As you may have noticed, if you've been following my blog, Pinterest, FaceBook, YouTube etc., I haven't posted any photos of myself. Not even in the videos. All you see are my hands and arms. I don't like to have my picture taken. I avoid it as much as possible.
I wasn't always this way. When I was young, I'd jump in front of the camera, especially with my friends without any provocation at all. Just so long as a camera was present, I was ready to be photographed, even if it would end up being a silly picture. I didn't mind being laughed at. Then.
I'm 47 now. I have 2 wonderful children, who you may have seen in the May BarkBox video. And I am happily married. Like most women, I look very different from when I did when I was young. And I'm ok with that, for the most part. I've got no problem with growing older. I'm vain enough to cover the grays when I get fed up with them, but I don't obsess about looking younger. I'm 47, and I don't care if I look 47. I've lived all of those years and gone through a hell of a lot. Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it terrible and some of it wonderful. And it's all made me who I am today, and I'm a pretty darn good person, even if I do say so myself. Oh, sure, I'm as full of flaws as anyone, and I admit it. But I try to be a good friend, good sister, good wife, good mother and good person in general and I think I succeed more than I fail.
So what does this have to do with photographs? Good question. One of the things that has happened in the course of 47 years is that I have gained weight. A lot of weight. I was never thin and I have always had a very round, full face that made me appear heavier than I was, even when I wasn't plus sized. But now I am very plus sized. And there is a long list of things that went into making me this way. And no, it wasn't sitting on the couch, eating bon bons while I watched soap operas. I've had various illnesses and life situations that have contributed, and yes, I take responsibility for the fact that I do not always eat well. I eat too much take out and too much junk food, though I have tried to curb that.
But one of the things that has contributed the most was the 2 years I didn't want to leave the house and literally hated myself. Why? Because when I weighed much less than I do now, but was still quite heavy, I noticed people starting to treat me differently. They looked at me different. I would try and strike up conversations with the other moms waiting for their kids at school and I would get the "once over". You know, where they do an obvious up and down look, letting you know they are judging you on how you look. And then it would be made clear that I wasn't welcome to the "group". Nothing would actually be said, it was all body language. Like closing ranks, so I was standing outside them and their backs were to me and I wasn't included in conversations. I would be in stores and people would think it was ok to make comments. Like the day I was shopping and I put a bag of Doritos snack packs in my carriage because my son liked to have them with his lunch and a total stranger actually said to me "yeah, 'cuz you need those."
Those are only a couple of examples, but there are many more. And eventually, I felt worthless. I felt I must be so disgusting to everyone who saw me that I shouldn't even be allowed to be seen and I wouldn't leave the house except to take my son to and from school, go to Dr.'s appointments or go to my sibling's homes. For nearly 2 years. Two years.
I won't get into how I eventually over came it and fought to get myself back in the world, but I did. It wasn't easy but I did it and I had a lot of help from people who came to know me without seeing me and didn't judge me when they did.
Recently, on May 4th, I was out with my family at a comic book store. I was sitting alone on the steps while the others were inside because I have arthritis in my hips and knees and there were no chairs in the shop and I had been standing and walking a long time. While I sat a lot of people passed the shop. Two young guys pointed at me and said "look, they got Jabba the Hut out for Star Wars Day." What makes people think that it's ok to say things like that? For a little while I was taken back to that time in my life where I didn't want to leave the house. It was a terrible feeling. I posted about it on FaceBook and got a lot of positive reinforcement from friends on there. Ironically, even from some people who picked on me for being fat when we were kids. Just goes to show how times change.
Today, I had to go renew my driver's license. Since I had put on makeup and gone through all the trouble of dealing with our RMV, I decided to try taking a "selfie". Not something I'd ever done. I debated posting it and then made a command decision to post it without thinking. I don't know when I've got some many likes and comments on a picture. People I've been friends with online for years were "glad to see me". Friends from the past were happy to see me again and say they can still see the "me" they knew. And many kind and complimentary things were said, though, trust me, that wasn't expected. A couple of "nice pic" comments from my nearest and dearest were the most I thought would happen.
I was brought to tears, happy tears, by some of the comments people made. And those comments made me remember, these friends see me as beautiful even though many of them had never seen my face. I am beautiful to them because I am kind, generous, thoughtful, etc. One of my friends said: "...and the smile that makes other people happy and makes THEM want to smile is still there.. NONE of its changed honey. Plus the heart, soul, spirit that drives the whole thing has just gotten better with age, making the whole Damn pkg MORE beautiful. Don't let some lil dumb stranger keep you from the world or hiding in the house, the world outside might be a better place if you joined it."
And she's right. The world needs people who are kind and thoughtful and want to be good to others. So, for all you plus size ladies, or ladies who aren't "perfect", don't hide. You are more beautiful than you realize. And the world needs you so much more than it needs another anorexic Barbie doll who cares more for their own looks than for other people. (or jerks who think it's ok to amuse themselves at the expense of others. Who raises these people?)
This was me in 1985. I was very average sized. But I was still picked on for being "fat", though I was not plus-sized.
This was me in 2011 when I self-published my first book. People asked for pics of me to promote the book. So what did I do? I hid behind the book.
And this is me today. Literally, today. I took this in the car this morning and it's the first "selfie" I've ever taken. And I'm actually posting it here for the world to see.
So, while I post on this blog, FB, Pinterest, etc about beauty products and fashion accessories, I hope you will all remember that there is so much more to beauty than what comes in those boxes and what we see on the magazine pages. You are worth the cost of any beauty products you choose to buy and use. If they make you feel good, feel happy, then buy them and use them - and be seen! Don't be afraid to wear the big statement necklace because you don't want to attract attention to yourself - attract all the attention you can! You are lovely! You do that jewelry just as much justice as someone in a size 2. Develop a style, a flair of your own and fly your flag high and proud!
Because you are beautiful!